Wizard News!, Hot Off the Presses Options

[zymurgy]

Rita Skeeter Invents Articles From Thin Air!


Lovegood Proven Decidedly Loopy!


Witch Weekly Voted Most Unreliable Tabloid!
(although there was really good recipe on page 43 of the last issue...)



Couldn’t we ferrets do a right lot better than these magical morons?



Your challenge is to write the Wizarding News!

Anything that could possibly be found in a Wizarding Newspaper is needed - articles, sports, graphics, pictures (the one point in Project Ferret where submissions need not have words in them at all!), obituaries, wedding announcements, advertisements – anything goes!

Although I'm sure parody will be a strong element to most, serious articles are also encouraged and I ask that canon be generally stuck to.

Everything from Voldemort’s obituary, to a letter to the editor about cauldron bottoms!

You’ve a deadline of midnight, December 31st, 2005.
(Midnight, of course, being a flexible hour on account of its being magical.)

And, as extra inspirational doin’s, the Department of Mysteries will be awarding points towards the Hogwarts Bathroom Fund Drive for extra creativity.

[zymurgy]

Rutherford L Mogsby Challenges Arms Law!

“It’s plain this is an archaic part of our system,” said Rutherford L. Bogsby this afternoon at a press conference. “What Wizard or Witch is ever without a Wand? Either we agree that a Wand is not a weapon, or that the carrying of this weapon does not automatically raise the crime committed to a high felony.”

“It’s not enforced as it is,” added Matilda Cuthwait. “Who’s ever heard of a kid sent to Azkaban over under-aged Magic? They’re armed, then, aint they?”

We asked several members of the Wizengamut, who all concurred that (aside from the serious lack of any other Wizarding Judicial body to take some of the tremendous case-load from their backs) this law was legitimate in that it was to be judged in each individual case whether or not the wand in question was being used as a weapon or not.

“It’s quite plain,” said Judge Blanchface, “if a man goes up and robs Slug an Jiggers, and happens to have his wand in his back pocket, it’s merely petty theft, and this law doesn’t even come into account. If, however, he were to use it to threaten the teller with death or torture, it would be a weapon, and it would be a felony.”

“It’s like anything else,” insisted Judge Cheetam, “it’s not ordinarily against the law to carry a length of piping about with you. If, however, you begin to off Witches with it, its automatically a weapon. Rutherford is just trying to get into the limelight by making a tempest in a teapot!”

“Mogsby’s a berk,” claimed another Justice, who asked not to be identified, “and is just trying to pull attention from his recent scandal (see page six) to himself. He’s trying to make out as if he’s some grand LegalWizard when he’s really just a [expletive deleted.]”

The debate over the legitimacy, legality, and reasoning for the law could well be drawn into Formal Debate for the first time in centuries. Political experts concur that it is unlikely anything comes of this.

[zymurgy]

Witch Attempts Wart Removal, Effects Muggles

An as yet unidentified witch, who is described by Aurors in charge of the case as ‘stunningly pretty if it weren’t for that thing on her nose,’ caused mayhem in a section of Muggle Kent today, when a standard Wart treatment went horribly awry.

“It’s presumed that instead of ‘Verrucasectilis’ she said ‘Verrinusecta,’” an Auror on the case explained, “causing Muggles within a ten kilometer radius to of a sudden throw off rational thought and behave like wild pigs,”

Scores of Muggles have required Obliviation, and teams of Municipal Workers have been put in charge of the cleanup effort, as the damaged caused by the Muggles themselves while in their charmed state has caused the near total devastation of their road system, as it now overflows with refuse and debris.

The witch in question is said to have fled, and any and all assistance in locating her is appreciated. She is further described as ‘tall, blond, and leggy,’ according to witnesses.

[evlpez]

Pet Jarvey Gets a Lesson in Political Correctness

Nora Winscombford answered to charges from the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures yesterday after her pet jarvey Mister Skibbles escaped her bag into the muggle world.

"It's not like he's a dragon or anything," Mrs. Winscombford was heard to say in her defense. Her claim that there were no injuries and no damage that a couple of memory charms couldn't fix were ignored after the animal in question interrupted the court proceedings to call the prosecutor a 'blimp-bummed windbag with a banana nose who couldn't get a fish convicted of swimming'.

The court heard that on 3 November, while travelling the underground to her sister's house, her jarvey escaped her carpetbag in the station and used a pay telephone (muggle floo-call device) to make several nuisance calls to the Prime Minister's private office number. It is still unknown at this time whether the calls were directed specifically to the Prime Minister or if it was just dumb luck.

Mrs. Winscombford was fined 10 galleons and ordered to enroll the jarvey in Mrs. Fluttercup's Charm School for Magical Pets.

[chad13]

Kensington Quidditch
(found at the very bottom of the local sports section)

Another Kensington upset.

Kensington 30
Naples 240

Smith:1 goal, Hill: 2 goals, Fredrick: 0 goals, Parsins: N/A, Bond: N/A, Myers: N/A, Sans: 4 saves

[evlpez]

[McGonagall's Cat]

Comestibles Corner


Readers please note:
This month’s column will be written by Miranda Mortlake.
Rest assured that Elladora Guffy’s burns are healing nicely and she will return to her post as soon as her fingers are able to flex again. - the editor



Pie Crust


As we all know, the best way to make a pie is to get your House Elf to do it. However, some of us aren’t fortunate enough to have such creatures about our domicile and must make all our retched foodstuffs ourselves. Many mothers urge their daughters to marry well, but there are an unfortunate few silly girls who thought they knew better than the old harpy, ran off with their Hogwarts crush and are now forced to make do with drafty hovels and no help at all around the house… But I digress.


There is a certain talent involved to avoid the nickname of “Old Iron Crusts”. One of the first secrets is to NOT use your wand. As tempting as it may seem, a wand is summarily unsuited for the delicacies of piecrust. The effective spells have an unfortunate tendency to turn dough into something only suited for noodles and tough as Erumpent hide. Use instead a pastry cutter, two forks, a couple butter knives, or a jarvey with clean feet.

Choose your flour wisely. While I prefer ground Grudyroot, there are many varieties of flours available, some less toxic than others. Run it through a sifter to remove large bits of detritus and the occasional insect. (Unless you wish to increase the protein content, in which case just pick out the bits of twigs and chaff, and keep the bugs.)

Add a smidge of salt. Be very careful not to confuse it with the crystalized ground faery eggs in the container next to it on the shelf. They look very similar, but the flavour is more like chopped caterpillars and does not achieve the desired effect.

Place the flour in a chilled cauldron. Chop cold Yak butter into small chunks - you may substitute Mooncalf Butter if your larder is low. Add this to the flour and cut with whatever device you decided upon, until it forms pea-sized lumps. If your flour was such that you began the process with pea-sized lumps, see if you can borrow the services of a House Elf from your stingy self-righteous mother.

Sprinkle droplets of ice water, up to a tablespoon’s worth, over the flour mixture and gently stir until it forms a ball and follows your spoon around the cauldron. Should it leave the cauldron of its own accord and begin following you around the kitchen you’ve either been hitting the cooking sherry far too heavily or need to cast an “Impedimenta “ immediately.

Roll out the dough on a floured board with a floured rolling pin to about three inches beyond the diameter of the dish you intend it to bake in. A rolling pin is that odd bit of wood some Muggles use to flatten dough. If you don’t have access to one try laying a jar on its side and using that, though it is best to empty the jar before tipping it.

Try to handle the dough as little as possible. Generally this is rather easy to accomplish as it will feel rather disgusting, but there are the occasional freaks who enjoy mucking about in repulsive textures. The easiest way to do this is to gently wrap the flattened circle of dough around the rolling pin, then unroll it over the pan you want to bake your pie in. The closer to the pan you are when you begin the unrolling, the better. Dropping the dough from even a foot tends to make it a bit tougher than is strictly necessary.

Pierce the crust, though not the pan, all over its surface, cover the bottom with a clean set of Gobstones and bake for fifteen minutes.



Next issue we will cover pie fillings. Hopefully your crust won't be too stale by then.

[zymurgy]

Orbituatry:

Died: Madam Marsh

Found today, on the Knight Bus, died of old age.
We all knew this woman, though none of us well.
She leaves behind her nephew, Stan,
and a rather strange creature that was living in her handbag.
Flowers are to be sent to the Bus.
The Service will be at the Station on Saturday at Sundown.

[McGonagall's Cat]

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[the finicky lady]

Rampaging Fireball Burns Swath Through China

Contacts in China are now releasing information that a Chinese Fireball broke free of its enclosure where it was being held for transport to Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry as part of the First Task in the Triwizard Tournament. This story has previously been top secret due to the sensitive nature of the Tournament, but sources are now beginning to come forward with details.
Last week the Fireball, in a fit of surprising strength that shocked the handlers, escaped its crate, and before it could be stopped, winged away towards the south. Officials were immediately called in, both to recapture the dragon and to handle the mammoth problems its escape caused in the muggle community.
They found it wreaking havoc in every community it crossed, destroying buildings and burning farmland, while feasting on the livestock. Fortunately, and thanks to help from expert handlers, the dragon was captured, sedated, and transported with no further incidents. The officials left to rectify the problems, however, had more trouble explaining to the muggle government what had happened, modifying memories, and repairing damage. Thankfully, though ten were wounded, there were no fatalities.

[evlpez]

Muggle Author Reveals Wizarding Secrets on Inner Net

Noted muggle celebrity and mischief-maker Joanne Rowling was discovered this past week revealing secrets of the wizarding world to her fans via top secret encoded puzzle on her Inner Net place.

The W.O.M.B.A.T. (Wizards' Ordinary Magic and Basic Aptitude test), a test generally reserved for Squibs, foreigners and magical folk returning to the magical world after long absences and/or stays in St. Mungos was discovered in plain view to muggles with access to the Inner Net on their commuter machines. (For more information on the Inner Net, see our last year's archived reports on all that fuss over the problem with the Inner Net and the Floo-Between getting mixed up.)

The W.O.M.B.A.T. was sat by hundreds of muggles in the course of the few days that it was available. Obliviators and Magic Reversal agents from the Ministry infiltrated Rowling's home and office, erased all memory of the W.O.M.B.A.T. from Ms. Rowling's mind and replaced her commuter machine with a (seemingly) equivalent device. (Rumour has it that they engorgio'd her stapler and tree-hole-punch. and are hoping the spells hold out until they can manage to erase all evidence from her real commuter machine before she wises up and they have to return it.)

[Aureola]

[In the Jokes section]

Dear readers, last week this article was actually sent in - by an apparently very optimistic fellow reader. If you are a sane and rational wizard/witch, you will not believe this. If you are in any way related to Sybill Trelawney or Luna Lovegood, you probably will - and good luck with that. -The editor

Obituary

Name: Lord Voldemort
Age: Very old
Family: Passed

I am so sorry to inform you of the passing of the grand Lord Voldemort, formerly known as Tom Marvolo Riddle and aka You-know-who. He died last Friday of either old age or because his wand got fed up with all the Avada Kedavra's and turned itself upon him. I am sure this is very tragic news to you all, (especially Peter Pettigrew) since he has had so many friends during his long life. But believe me, you will all survive it, I had predicted that months ago when I looked into my crystal ball. Of course I knew that the dear Voldemort would die too. Remember, everyone, the Inner Eye is watching you! In conclusion, despite the fact that many deaths are lamentable, this one actually has an optimistic side to it: The Wizarding World will not any longer suffer from steady and unnatural decreases in population, and last but not least, your family will be safer. Good day to all.