Defeating the Dark Lord for Dummies - Round Two Submissions, Submit Introduction Entries Here Options

[timeturner]

Round Two is open for Submissions!

Round Two- Introduction: Submissions will be open January 15th through February 4th (noon- central time), voting booths will be open January 21st through February 7th (noon- central time). Submissions can be made in this topic!

Round Two Rules: Write the Introduction to "Defeating the Dark Lord for Dummies". Include general information about the content of the book and describe how that information will be helpful to the average witch or wizard. Must be at least 200 words and you must (seriously) use the word “cloak” somewhere within the Introduction. An unlimited amount of submissions will be accepted for this round. Write as many as you would like, as long as they are different from one another. IMPORTANT: You must give your submission(s) a title so it can be identified in the voting booth.


The official Duel Guidelines including information on prizes can be found HERE

This post has been edited by McGonagall's Cat: Jul 6 2006, 09:18 PM

[chad13]

Cloaks, Constants, and Carelessness

The principle behind this book is simple, it could happen. You never really know who’s lurking in a corner, or staking out your house. You never know when you’ll be asked to perform feats of extreme bravery in life or death situations. This book was designed by an elite team of defensive dark arts specialists, along with help from the Quibbler staff to organize and edit the information appropriately (free of charge). This book contains simple step by step approaches to home defense, self offense, and safety in certain dark lord related situations. This book is meant for simple fast education of the common witch or wizard with little time to prepare for the unknown horrors that now seem to be at hand.

When your life is imperiled or a dire situation arises there may be no safe alternatives. If any of the situations described in this book actually arise we recommend, (insist actually) that you seek help from a trained professional. THE PUBLISHERS, AUTHORS, AND EXPERTS OF THIS BOOK DISCLAIM ANY LIABILITY, SHOULD INJURY OR FATALITY RESULT FROM THE THE PROPER OR IMPROPER USE OF THE INFORMATION CONTAINED IN THIS BOOK. Enjoy, and be safe!

Words to Know:
He-who-must-not-be named/ You-know-who - The Dark Lord
Death Eater- supporter of He-who-must-not-be named
Vigilance - Careful looking or watching

[timeturner]

In The Beginning

First off, congratulations on your decision to stand against the Dark Lord! The path you have chosen is certain to be fraught with danger, but at least it isn’t cowardly and immoral. Our initial advice is to cling to that thought, as it may be all you are left with should You Know Who decide to crush you like a bug. On that note, before we begin the instruction of how to defeat the Dark Lord, let us start with a little background.

As anyone who isn’t completely mental knows, the Dark Lord first came to power in the 1970's. Since that time he has accumulated a secret gang of loyal followers known as Death Eaters, thus increasing his power. Rumored to be fond of eating such common fare as Treacle Tarts and Shepherd’s Pie, rather than actual Death, the origin of a Death Eater's imposing job title is blanketed in mystery. Though dangerous and cruel, the Dark Lord's lemmings are easily recognizable when wearing their work uniform of black robes with full hoods, which are incidentally somewhat similar to the outfits worn by Dementors and really poor people. Renowned fashion expert Matilda Cosmo of Witch Weekly recently reviewed these ensembles proclaiming that though black is slimming, the cut of the cloak is “like, SO last year”.

If the Death Eaters are lucky, perhaps the outfits will make a comeback, much like the Dark Lord himself. Vanquished by boy-wonder Harry Potter over 15 years ago, he was recently resurrected under mysterious circumstances. This reappearance of He Who Must Not Be Named has caused what can only be described as mass panic throughout the Wizarding World. No one has forgotten the havoc caused by the red-eyed monster during his previous reign. Questions like, "How can I protect myself?", "Where can I hide?" and "Can I actually pass myself off as a Muggle?" invariably arise.

Wizarding World Press is proud to present this detailed guide for wizarding families everywhere. We feel it will provide much needed answers to not only the aforementioned questions, but other general inquires as well. In conclusion, we wish you luck in your studies and hope you will recommend this book to others in need.

[zymurgy]

A Few Words Before the Really Juicy Bits

If you wish to defeat the Dark Lord, (and since you’ve spent 14g2k on this book, you probably do!) its best to know exactly what your getting into. In fact, we recommend reading this before you spend your hard earned Gold. (if you’ve already done that, shame on you for judging a book by its cover.)

To begin with, by Dark Lord, we mean You-Know-Who, or, if by chance you’ve spent the last eleven years living in a cupboard with no knowledge of the Wizarding World in which case you don’t know who, Lord Voldemort. If, by chance, you haven’t been living in a cupboard but have consumed inordinate amounts of lemon drops and consequentially do know who, you probably know him best as Tom Riddle. Those of you currently serving him (and thank goodness you’ve seen the light and bought this book! The proceeds go to a magnificent bathroom, which the publishers are sure they could persuade Albus to put RIGHT next to the Potions classroom so you can get there with just a swish of your cloak…) we mean the Dark Lord, who is referred to as Master.

The purpose of this book, as you can tell by reading the title, is to teach you, the reader, whoever you are (as we don’t know who), how to defeat the aforementioned personage.

I am sure there are a few skeptics amongst you, and I’m sure you’re asking questions like “If that git knows how to defeat the Dark Lord why doesn’t he do it himself?!” and of course the ever popular, “How would HE know?”

To address these concerns, I do, yes, know how to defeat the Dark Lord. I know, because I’ve devoted time and study to the Dark Lord and all attempted attacks on his life. Actually, I’ll admit it: I knew that the way to defeat the Dark Lord would be something I’d never think of. So I got out a list of ways to kill people and checked off all the ones I could think of, and the only thing left just HAD to be it. Clever, what?

As for why I don’t go and do it myself, that’s because of a small matter of qualifications which must be fulfilled by those wishing to actually defeat the Dark Lord, including those which are absolutely impossible to a man of my standing. Actually, Gerta says its because I’m not in my right mind, and that when I think it makes her head hurt, but that isn’t possible, and if it is, it isn’t fair.

If you are Wizard (or, indeed Witch, House Elf, Hat, or a big red birdie) enough, continue to read! And when you have finished YOU will have the POWER to defeat the Dark Lord!

Gilderoy Lockhart

[evlpez]

Comments on the story Cloaks, Constants, and Carelessness

cherabela commented:
Liked the words to know list.

timeturner commented:
Great introduction and I love the disclaimer!

McGonagall's Cat commented:
Love the disclaimer!

[evlpez]

Comments on the story In The Beginning

cherabela commented:
'the cut of the cloak is “like, SO last year”.' Haha! Loved that one! Such an optimist!! <br />

McGonagall's Cat commented:
The beginning is a good place to begin!

[evlpez]

Comments on the story A Few Words Before the Really Juicy Bits

cherabela commented:
Gerta lives!! lol loved the way you used Gilderoy Lockhart there.

timeturner commented:
Wonderful and very funny, plus I love both Gilderoy and Gerta (or was it Glenda...Gertrude?). LOL.

McGonagall's Cat commented:
I'd gladly pay "14g2k", might even go as high as 15g, for the wonderful advice contained herein.