Round Four - The Quidditch Match, Short Story Challenge Options

[agrippa]

Comments on the story Queer-ditch fun at a run!

zymurgy commented:
Loved the rhyming names and all the jokes. Peeves all the way 'round!

timeturner commented:
Ranger girl. LOL

agrippa commented:
This story's greatest strength is Peaves' word choice. Nice job.

McGonagall's Cat commented:
I really like the Peeves pieces. He's supposed to be outrageous, and though some of the rhymes are not the best, the concept is very Peeves-y.

StarWalker commented:
Interesting color: puke-gold! BZ for cretivity, but a bit forced in places. Mission light with minor glitches in technical and canon

[agrippa]

Comments on the story The Worthy Always Win

zymurgy commented:
Interesting use of a potion, that.

timeturner commented:
The last line was very good. "Brilliant Pansy Parkinson" Thats a line you don't hear every day. LOL Snape is a proud head of house. Nice job!

agrippa commented:
A few grammar errors, but a nice sub.

McGonagall's Cat commented:
I don't feel like this sounds very Snape-ish in POV. It's a little too positive and upbeat...sort of student-ish. There are some small techy-tense problems, too.

StarWalker commented:
I liked Pansy being the focus, though not certain she would take these actions. Snape may be many things, but I don't remember him lying to himself about matters of fact. Minor technical errors.

[agrippa]

Comments on the story THE VOICE

zymurgy commented:
I particularly liked the fact that Hermione just HAD to add a bibliography.

agrippa commented:
Great story. However, the capitalization errors are very un-Hermione.

McGonagall's Cat commented:
This is well written! I especially liked: " Most Quidditch players stick to riding a broom, rather than another player’s coattails, but not Draco Malfoy! He has no trouble letting someone else do the work in hopes that he gets the glory. Amazing!" Hermione's getting the game down!

StarWalker commented:
Well done, and well written! Commentating is what always gets the announcers in trouble with McGonagall. BZ!

cherabela commented:
I was rather hoping the story would be a bit more Hermione-ish.

[agrippa]

Comments on the story Freckled Spells

zymurgy commented:
I have a little trouble believing in Ron jinxing his best friend with something he knows could well be fatal. But I think that had more to do with Loona minsreading him, rather than you. <br />Kudos

cherabela commented:
Poor Harry. I doubt that Ron would think of hurting Harry just so they could win though.

McGonagall's Cat commented:
This was quite "in character". I liked ti!

StarWalker commented:
Luna seems quite smitten with Ron! Would she have him do something both she and he know is wrong? Minor technical and canonical errors.

[agrippa]

Comments on the story A Feline In The Midst

zymurgy commented:
I love the Mrs. Norris angle! You did have some grammar bloopers that I could see, mostly slight tense trouble, but otherwise quite spiffing.

McGonagall's Cat commented:
It is quite original to have the chosen character be Mrs. Norris. Good storyline.

StarWalker commented:
What could be better, than to be a cat at a Quidditch match! Technical errors cost, but this was a great read.

[agrippa]

Comments on the story As It Was Destined To Be

zymurgy commented:
Simply smashing insetion of astronomy! I do so love Trelawney.

agrippa commented:
Very clever... I could hear Trewlaney's voice.

StarWalker commented:
Quidditch seen through a crystal ball! Ah, how easy it is to forsee everything after it happens! Excellent piece, *as it was destined to be*! :o)

cherabela commented:
Great Trelawney! I loved the mention of all those planets. I just wish there had been a bit more action from the players' or the spectators' part.

[agrippa]

Comments on the story Caught Under Glass

zymurgy commented:
A lorry load of lilac, lusterouse and lively!

timeturner commented:
You gotta love Lockhart. Especially now that he's all crazy.

agrippa commented:
Nice job. I love the little side comments about GL.

McGonagall's Cat commented:
It's so perfectly lilac! (I sort of wanted a bit more flowery ego/self-centered...that insincere fluff he's famous for.) Wonmderful plot and storyline!

StarWalker commented:
"Haversacking" indeed. Poor Gilderoy certainly does have eclectic knowledge. And Draco, caught on tape with his hands in the cookie jar. Great stuff all around!

cherabela commented:
Good old Greta! Love the references to the cream facial and wrinkle vanishing elixir!!;D

[agrippa]

Comments on the story !! untitled !!

zymurgy commented:
This leaves a bit to be desired on detail, perhaps, but otherwise good!

timeturner commented:
I would have liked to see more from Harry. It was a quick victory.

McGonagall's Cat commented:
It's got the subdued-ness of Neville, though I'd like to have seen more. But then, Harry says that he never considered all the aspects of Neville at one point, doesn't he?. Nice storyline.

StarWalker commented:
I'm not sure Neville is afraid, as much as he's uncertain. Technical, especially verb tenses, and character errors.

cherabela commented:
Hmm...it lacks something; I think a little bit more action would have been good. Too bad you didn't give it a title!

[agrippa]

Comments on the story As Seen Through a Moldy Turban

timeturner commented:
I liked the approach you took. Well done.

McGonagall's Cat commented:
In character, clever, snide, funny... I liked it.

StarWalker commented:
Ah, back to year one, when everything was fresh and new! "Not cricket" - indeed not! Technical and canon problems here. I often wondered why Quirrel didn't tell his co-habitor that Snape was working against him; if he could sense Quirrel's thoughts he would have had the information at some point.

cherabela commented:
I really liked the general idea of the story. <br />"Nobody, not even a Mud-Blood should have to endure such torment." Are you sure he'd say that?

[agrippa]

Comments on the story Accio- a Practical Application

timeturner commented:
Great job! Love the title.

agrippa commented:
One of the best this round.

StarWalker commented:
Snape is certainly ever thinking, always ready to be one step ahead. However, I don't think he'd stoop to blatant cheating, at least on a personal level. Minor technical errors.

cherabela commented:
I liked the idea of using Accio. But, doesn't the fact that Snape kept it for so long sound rather impossible? Wouldn't somebody have seen him summoning it?

[agrippa]

Comments on the story Quidditch as Chess

cherabela commented:
It took me a bit to realise the true meaning of the title, but then, I got it. It explaines Ron's sudden autorative manner. Some technical errors there.

timeturner commented:
“Don’t be ridiculous,” snapped McGonagall- Spot on! I would have liked to see the game end, but techincally you didn't go against mission requirements. So hey, great job!

agrippa commented:
I'm suprised Snape agreed so readily with Ron.

StarWalker commented:
Very nice depiction of Neville as the understated hero. Ron seemed a little too forceful, and minor technical errors.

[agrippa]

Comments on the story Greater Love

zymurgy commented:
Amazing! I admit it took me simply forever to figure out who Friar's Cap was, but as soon as I had put everything else he'd posted in line it made sence. The ending blurb was quite sad. <br />All in all a very nice piece.

McGonagall's Cat commented:
I voted in another round first, so know this to be Remus writing. How am I supposed to be vaguely close to objective when this is such a fine story? Even with the scorecard, I can't keep on track. Wow! Very moving. Layers within layers...

timeturner commented:
Wow! That was just fantastic writing!

agrippa commented:
WOW! What a great piece. I'm deeply moved and impressed.

cherabela commented:
Although you did introduce a new character, it was amazingly written! I really liked the note at the end and what she told Remus at the end to let Lily go. Very touching.