Round Three - The Magic Box, Collaborative Fan Fiction Options

[agrippa]

Comments on the story SECRETS AND SNEAKING

ronsmyman commented:
The fact that Ron is the only pureblood of the three wouldn't make him feel superior in magical matters, and you've written it as if Ron does feel a bit of that superiority. Otherwise, well done.

Azkabella commented:
This was great! I loved how judgemental Ron is being towards Harry. Good job!

cherabela commented:
Isn't it supposed to be "Alohomora", and not "Alohamora"? You didn't mention what Harry wished was inside. Apart from that I liked the characterization, and the chess pieces reference.

StarWalker commented:
A little of the jealousy of fame peeks back through, heh? I would have thought Harry would have tried more before giving to Hermione. Never did mention what he expected to find.

zymurgy commented:
Very Ron!

McGonagall's Cat commented:
Part of the Mission was to have the character speculate what was in the Box. Otherwise, this is a nifty piece.

[agrippa]

Comments on the story "Hello! Is Anyone in there?"

McGonagall's Cat commented:
This captures Luna so well, but I'm not so sure about from who's (Ginny's?) POV... <br />I really enjoyed the story, very clever! The exchange with the Fat Lady and Luna's unflappable logic were great.

cherabela commented:
I loved it! Especially the part where she thinks, "Is there a wizard in there?" lol!

StarWalker commented:
Wonderful title for a great story about Luna's world. Minor technical errors. Some canonical errors.

zymurgy commented:
Lots of fun!

timeturner commented:
Creative. Great ending! A little choppy in some places.

[agrippa]

Comments on the story Slytherin Strikes Again

ronsmyman commented:
I loved the Bibliography, well done

Azkabella commented:
Love the bibliography. Great job!

cherabela commented:
You didn't mention what Ginny thought was inside. I really liked the Bibliography part at the end. So Hermione.

StarWalker commented:
Very technically correct piece - but expected from Hermione. Liked her thought processes.

zymurgy commented:
I liked the Aperio charm.

McGonagall's Cat commented:
Neat story, but what did she think was in the Box? Lots of good Hermione details.

[agrippa]

Comments on the story Dumb Draco Malfoy

Azkabella commented:
Pretty good job. Looks like something Harry would write.

McGonagall's Cat commented:
Draco is such a git. Nice depiction (though it seems a bit more aggressive/snarky than Harry usually is).

cherabela commented:
I'm not sure Harry would be so "I have a better broom than you" <br />

StarWalker commented:
Do you think Harry is really that small and nasty? Minor errors only in technical and mission; problems in characterization.

zymurgy commented:
It's too bad Draco didn't really try to open the box, or think too hard about what was inside- but that's Harry's point of view taking over, I suppose.

timeturner commented:
Very characteristic with how I think Harry's writing would be. Good job. Could have been a little more exciting..and less bitter perhaps.

[agrippa]

Comments on the story Ronald’s Sword Skills

Azkabella commented:
Too cute! Arthur certainly sees his son in a different light.

cherabela commented:
Loved the bit about the sword! <br />

StarWalker commented:
A son as seen through the eyes of a father - wipes tear away, sniffs. Problems in three areas, technical, characterization, and canon

zymurgy commented:
Sword thieving hooligans indeed.

timeturner commented:
Strapping young lad..LOL. Very nice. Follows the mission. However, I think Mr Weasley may be a lttle more realistic about Ron.

McGonagall's Cat commented:
This is a very well-thought-out story, but you didn't mention what Ron thought might be in it specifically. What did you mean when you said he tried to open it "bootlessly"?

[agrippa]

Comments on the story Snoopy Nurse Lady

cherabela commented:
Great job on Fleur's characterization. She probably didn't like Madam Promfey very much after the first task fuss-up. <br />

StarWalker commented:
This certainly reflects a certain young lady's attitude at the start, but I'm not certain about later. Problems with characterization and canon. Even allowing for charcter's nationality, there are major technical errors.

zymurgy commented:
Obviously, Poppy hasn't any 'patience'! Love Fleurs English.

timeturner commented:
Footnote at the end was good. I liked Madam Pomfrey's attempts. Needed a more exciting ending.

McGonagall's Cat commented:
So Fleur! All the Mission points in it, too! Yay!

[agrippa]

Comments on the story A Challenge

Azkabella commented:
It was a little short, but it was certainly sweet! (bah, sorry for the pun)

McGonagall's Cat commented:
But... but... but... how could Dumbledore not be able to open it?!!!!! Loved "one could never have enough Lemon Drops".

cherabela commented:
I loved this one! The lemon drops reference was a nice touch.

StarWalker commented:
Sometimes shorter is better. :o) At least Dumbledore has seen one of these boxes before!

zymurgy commented:
Short and sweet <br />

[agrippa]

Comments on the story Stupid Gryffindors

Azkabella commented:
Great job! I can feel the bitterness. You're doing great with this character.

cherabela commented:
Ah! The hatred of one called Malfoy. Great job on this one!

StarWalker commented:
This is certainly Draco, perhaps too Dracoish, even for Draco! It's almost a caricature of Draco. Character, canon, and mission were all affected.

zymurgy commented:
Defeating the Dark Lord for Dummies says it all.

McGonagall's Cat commented:
I loved this one! You did double duty on all mission points AND were a wonderfully snarky Draco.

[agrippa]

Comments on the story It Returns

cherabela commented:
Doesn't quite follow the mission though you made it return to Gryffindor Tower for a reason.

StarWalker commented:
I like Ginny's reaction; it's consistent with her earlier experience. However, it totally ignores mission guidelines!

zymurgy commented:
Exfenistration at its finest.

McGonagall's Cat commented:
Love it!

[agrippa]

Comments on the story Awakening

cherabela commented:
I know the reason for this was probably to change the outcome of the previous one. Nevertheless, it could have been interesting to have the submission as the mission states.

StarWalker commented:
As a continuity piece, this is well written, but ti misses the mission and the point of the exercise. It also ignores that Luna has seen the box before.

zymurgy commented:
You've got to love a pogrebin.

timeturner commented:
Nice save

McGonagall's Cat commented:
Totally in Mission, plus short and sweet.

[agrippa]

Comments on the story Food?

cherabela commented:
You didn't quite follow the mission, and personally, I couldn't understand how the title mingled with the story. <br />

StarWalker commented:
Very well done! But what did the thestral expect to get from the box? nm: a beautiful work

zymurgy commented:
Short and Sweat

timeturner commented:
Nice writing but a bit off mission : )

[agrippa]

Comments on the story Evil Looms

StarWalker commented:
Do dementors have eyes? :o) Great concept, a dementor examining the box. It created somewhat of a mission paradox however. Light technical errors, some canonical and characterization problems.

zymurgy commented:
Now, just how does Dumbledore know what's under a Dementor's hood?

McGonagall's Cat commented:
Very good! A couple small technical/gramatical mistakes.

[agrippa]

Comments on the story Feline Curiosity

zymurgy commented:
Hit the cat sounds painful.

StarWalker commented:
Peeves can't seem to remember who he is today! Good job - no, *very* good job! Mission light, though.

McGonagall's Cat commented:
What made the box move? It's not explained at all.

[agrippa]

Comments on the story A Snapshot of Perplexity

StarWalker commented:
Did Dennis morph into Colin :o) Minor errors in most categories; still a very interesting tidbit.

cherabela commented:
This submission is supposed to follow the others: Dennis was the one hiding, not Colin.

timeturner commented:
Great job overall. Knowledgeable lot, after all! There were some spelling and grammar problems.

McGonagall's Cat commented:
Where'd Colin come from? Did he really think "Nothing" was in the box? <br />Loved the knifeblade melting! Very original!

[agrippa]

Comments on the story The Ape's Box

zymurgy commented:
Kudos for sneaking a ferret into this!

StarWalker commented:
This was previously done by Dumbledore. Great Peeves view of Snape!

McGonagall's Cat commented:
Are you actually Peeves in disguise? How did the box move of its own accord?