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BEWARE: PARODY!!!
Sirius and the Magic Crayon
Sirius morphed into dog form and exited the tunnel under the whomping willow. He couldn’t wait until the day when he would be able to walk around in human form again. Of course, that day would not be for some time, even after he had proved his innocence.
Azkaban, while dampening his spirits, had done nothing to deflate his ego. His plans, after receiving a formal apology from the ministry of magic, were to his the weight room and regain the physique that had won him the hearts of many young ladies in him prime. This shaggy starved look just wasn’t his thing, so he chose to wander around in dog form most of the time. Plus, it was fun to torment the new divination students with every appearance. One of the few pleasures he had was gotten from pretending to be the death omen that every first year divination student feared above all other omens.
Sirius padded up to the castle walls and began circling the exterior, trying to figure out a way to get inside. Even though it was Halloween and everyone would be assembled in the Great Hall, Sirius was not stupid enough to think that the security would be lax enough for him to just walk right in through the front door.
No ideas appeared in his mind and he was almost on the point of despair as he completed his first circuit, he had to get inside, he would go mad if he didn’t. Just as he was about to throw caution to the winds and go through the front door, a door opened in the midst of the sky and a small boy, three years old at the most, stepped through the portal and landed softly on the grass.
Clutched in the small red hand of the child was a bright purple crayon. He surveyed the scene in which he had landed, and his eyes lighted on the large dog.
“Doggy!” he exclaimed, lighting up like a Christmas tree. He ran towards Sirius and wrapped his chubby little arms around the patient creature’s neck. Humoring the little fellow, Sirius licked the child’s cheek. He was pleasantly surprised to find the remnants of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich smeared across it. He was so hungry that he licked until every remnant of flavor was gone and the little boy was giggling hysterically.
“Oooooh! House!” The child proclaimed, noticing the castle and pulling away from Sirius to get a better look. The boy clapped his hands with glee and ran up to the castle wall, brandishing his crayon. Using it he drew the outline of a small door on the stone and, much to Sirius’ surprise, opened it with a twist of the sketched knob.
The boy ducked through opening and Sirius slipped through just behind him. When he arrived inside he noticed that they were in a corridor on the third floor. He thanked his lucky stars, namely Canus Major, for having them enter there rather than near the front or Great Halls. As everyone was down at the feast it would now be relatively simple to pass through the corridors unnoticed.
“Horsie!” the little boy demanded, pointing at Sirius’ back. He heaved a great sigh, but allowed himself to be mounted. “Gid up!” he commanded and Sirius made his was through the halls and up the stairs to Gryffindor tower as easily as if he were still a student. When he reached the Portrait of the Fat Lady, he gently deposited the boy onto the floor and transformed back into human shape for a short while.
Sidling up to the portrait, he nudged the Fat Lady.
“Hello Agnes,” he said in as charming a voice as he could muster.
“Password,” she muttered, sleepily. Then, opening her eyes, she jumped. “S-s-sirius Black!”
“My dear Agnes! How frightened you appear. Oh please, I would never intentionally cause you discomfort my dear madam,” he said, buttering her up, and being sure to pour on lots of honey. “I would harm myself before I so much as laid a vicious finger upon your beautiful canvas and the rainbow of colors that encompasses your beauty. I’ve only returned for a moment to collect some things I forgot years ago.”
“I’m sorry Sirius,” the Fat Lady replied. “I can’t let you in without the password, you know that.”
“Agnes,” Sirius said in his most syrupy tone, giving her the puppy dog eyes that only he could produce. “You know passwords never mattered between two souls as intimate as us. I remember our long conversations from years ago, when after hours of chat you would merely let me in, knowing that I would never deceive you. I am the same person, my dear madam, constant and true, especially to someone as glorious as yourself.”
Sirius placed his three-dimensional hand atop the two-dimensional one of the Fat Lady. He could see her internal struggle and slowly he knew that her hesitation was braking away bit by bit.
Suddenly behind him he heard a roar and turned around to see a bear towering over him.
“Oh, Sirius,” The Fat Lady squealed. “Do be careful, if you were to leave this world, all sentiment would be gone from my life forever.”
The bear backed him against the painting and began to tear at him. The sharp claws ripped his Azkaban uniform to tatters and tore his flesh. Soon Sirius had no choice but to duck and run. The bear took a few last swipes, shredding the Fat Lady’s canvas, luckily she had run into a neighboring portrait to avoid injury.
Sirius saw the small child standing by an open door in the middle of the corridor. His guilty crayon still poised in the air.
“Teddy?” he said, his voice trembling on the verge of tears.
Sirius grabbed the boy and lunged through the door, luring the bear in after them. As the door closed he could hear the Fat Lady calling after him to be careful, with a voice choked with tears.
As soon as they had gained enough ground ahead of the bear, Sirius borrowed the boy’s crayon to draw himself one final door. As the bear gained on them, he opened the door and stepped quicky through, carrying the small boy, he heard the thud of the bear’s massive bulk as he slammed the door.
He was in the Shrieking Shack. Thankful to be rid of the bear, he collapsed into a chair, the small child perched on his knee. Looking at the magnificent crayon, Sirius had an idea, he pointed to a nearby faucet and implored the boy to get him a drink, while the boy wasn’t looking, he snapped off the bottom fourth of the purple crayon, and slipped it into his pocket. Sirius then traded the rest of the crayon for the glass of water, and watched contentedly as the boy sketched another door and went on his merry way.
“Bye, bye doggy,” he said, patting Sirius on the knee before sliding through the opening.
Sirius was then left to contemplate his failure, and plan out his next entrance into the castle, the bit of crayon resting lightly in his pocket.
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"I hate talking when there is no exchange of ideas or sentiments, and no good given or received." -Tenant of Wildfell Hall
"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that there isn't an invisible demon about to eat your face." -The Dresden Files
"No matter how bad things get, they can always get worse." -Ever After
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