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My Fair Werewolf
This is long winded and all out of order, but it IS a parody after all... and you try to get Hagrid to sing when he's not tipsy!
Ext Diagon Alley – Day
Dumbledore and McGonagall walk along deep in discussion
Dumbledore
I assure you, if we merely invest some time, we can turn this moppet into a safe and productive member of society!
(music comes up – tune: The Rain In Spain - drops to background every time Dumbledore speaks, McGonagall sings all of her lines)
McGonagall
His Pain is plain,
he can be quite insane!
(chorus sings: Its plain his pain is clearly what’s to blame)
Dumbledore
No, no my dear. With a bit of trust his enigma will unravel.
McGonagall
(Music comes back up)
If he remains
then Hogwarts will not gain.
(chorus sings: Its plain his pain is clearly what to blame)
Dumbledore
(still speaking but beginning to fall into a tempo)
My dear, I bet I can turn even he,
into a respectable member of society!
McGonagall
(she sings again)
And in what vein
can you maintain
a werewolf?
(chorus: It’s vain to think that you can tame a werewolf.)
Dumbledore
My plan is true, the Shack will do.
Within the year I’ll prove to you!
McGonagall
I’ll take your bet,
I’ll not forget
the timeline.
(chorus sings: Its plain his pain will clearly be the bane!)
fade to:
Ext near Hagrid’s hut
The huge black dog glares menacingly at (actually Ron, who has
Scabbers in his pocket, but the kids believe it is all of) the Trio!
Suddenly hundreds of extras, all dressed in Black and White Victorian attire, ladies with huge “Picture” hats and long dresses, men in tophats and tails, begin to swarm out of the woods. The kids look dumbfounded. Down at the lake a horserace is forming.
The dog realizes he has forgotten his tie and tophat, though the tail’s fairly well attached, and slinks back into hiding due to the faux pah. [* How the heck do you spell that?? *] Our Trio seizes this opportunity to dash back to the castle, dodging steeplechasers most of the way.
Ron
What was that?!!
Harry & Hermione
(Shrugging)
The Ascot scene?
fade to:
INT Hagrid’s Hut
Hagrid is wearing a frilly pinafore apron and is smudged with flour. He has a huge iron Dutch Oven (big enough for either Hansel, or Gretel) sitting in the fireplace heating up as he rolls out pie dough (unfortunately its thick and uneven, but…), he places it in a pie pan that will fit inside the Dutch Oven, pokes some holes in the bottom with a fork, and allows it to bake for about 15 minutes (around 375 degrees Farenheit) then lets it cool down.
Then in a medium-sized cauldron he mixes:
5 peeled and sliced (thickly and unevenly, this is Hagrid after all) Granny Smith apples
1 ½ cups fresh mossberries
1 ½ cups sycamines (if he is running short on these he substitutes another sliced apple)
1 ¼ cups sugar
½ cup coarsely chopped walnuts
2 Tbs. cornstarch
2 tsp grated lemon zest (which is a lot like grated yellow-part-of-peel)
1 tsp. ground cinnamon.
He puts the well mixed berry and apple filling into the crust, cuts a bunch of Christmas trees with his pink umbrella cookie cutter wand from the remaining pie dough, and places them artistically on top of the filling (bottoms near pan edge, tops toward the center point, they all dove-tail into a pretty top crust). Since the inside of the Dutch Oven is around 350 degrees Fahrenheit, he confidently places his pie into it for at least 1 hour and 20 minutes, or until it goes all bubbly (at which point it can boil over onto the bottom of the Dutch Oven). When it’s done he lets it cool completely before doing anything with it.
He never puts any Cruciatus Candy Crystals on it, though someone else might brush it with an egg that has been beaten with 1 Tbs water, and sprinkle a bit of sugar over the top before putting it into the oven.
INT Gryffindor Common Room
The kids look glum. The cat is curled up near the fire purring. Crookshanks looks up but decides it would take too much effort to move onto Hermione’s lap.
Hermione
This is getting curiouser and curiouser… I have suspicions about… (she stops mid-sentence looking as though she almost spilled the beans).
Harry
What?! You have suspicions about what!! Do YOU know something about Sirius Black and my parents? Everyone but me seems to.
Hermione
No, No. It’s nothing like that.
Harry
Yeah Right! I’m outa here! (grumbling) Maybe Professor Lupin’ll change his mind and show me the defense against Dementors now…
Hermione
No! Wait! You can’t!
Harry
Oh can’t I?
He storms out the portrait hole. Ron and Hermione hurry after him.
Ron
(Catching up to Harry)
Hey, Mate. Wait up! Let’s go get some hot chocolate instead.
Somehow they all get separated, the boys end up back in the Common Room with their hot chocolate, but Hermione goes to Lupin’s hallway.
INT Hallway near Lupin’s classroom
Hermione ducks into hidden alcove as Dumbledore leaves Lupin’s room with a "Eurika! Moment" look on his face.
Dumbledore
By George, I think he’s got it!
She then hears Lupin singing.
(tune: Wouldn’t it be Loverly)
Lupin
All I want is a life somewhere
Far away from the ice cold stare
Of people everywhere…
Oh wouldn’t it be loverly!
Lots of chocolate for me to eat
A human form clear down to my feet.
No fur.
No canine teeth!
Oh wouldn’t it be loverly!
Hermione
(shudders, throwing hands to her ears)
EEE-Gads!! He sings like a wolf howling….
Fade to black (not Sirius).
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'  Project Ferret - Transfiguring Fans into Writers since 2003!. |
Round 3 Wheezes Submissions
evlpez Round 3 Wheezes Submissions Dec 5 2003, 03:34 PM
Dec 5 2003, 03:34 PM
and happy writing!
