Round 4 Wheezes Submissions Options

[evlpez]

This round, the Mission is the same for both Canon Fodder and Wizarding Wheezes submissions. Good Luck and happy writing!

Remember... this is the Final Round.

[zymurgy]

Rudolf the Hook Nosed Reindeer

INT. Lupin’s Office.

Snape lies on the floor unconscious.

HERMIONE: Professor Snape! What happened!?

Hermione rushes to his side and lifts his head. It lolls to one side.

RON: Something hit him hard!

HARRY: Er… someone mind fixing that window? It’s cold in here!

RON: Right! Reparo!

The window magically springs back together again.

HARRY: Thanks.

RON: No problem. … Hermione? Are you ok? You… you do realize that it’s Snape’s head you’ve got in your lap, right?

HERMIONE: He may be a smarmy git, but he’s still my professor! Enervate!

SNAPE: Erraghhhk!

Snapes opens his eyes and groggily surveys his surroundings. He realizes his position and jumps up quickly.

SNAPE: 20 points from Gryffindore for cradling your professor’s head!

HERMIONE: But- professor, I just…

SNAPE: And… 30 points for reviving your Potion’s Master… Where did Lupin go?

HERMIONE: We don’t know, we came up to see him, and we found you lying on the floor, and the window was broken and all…

SNAPE: I see. Follow me!

Snape sweeps out of the room. The trio exchange looks, shrug and follow, as they’ve nothing better to do at this point.

Int. Corridor. Night.

SNAPE: (to himself) The Easter Bunny… of all things…

RON: I think he’s still slightly out of his head… he gave us ten points!

HERMIONE: Brilliant Ron! You can add and subtract. Now you can go to second grade.

HARRY: I’m tired! You do realize that we’ve not gone to bed once in the entire fic?

HERMIONE: Oh please, Harry, you know that that kind of thing is implied. If they had to write EVERYTHING out, nobody would have gone to the bathroom until book two, and even then, they wouldn’t have-

RON: HERMIONE! Please… for the sake of my sanity, don’t finish that sentence…

HERMIONE: Fine. Be that way.

SNAPE: Stop your bickering, before I remove points.

HERMIONE: Yes professor.

SNAPE: Too late, had your chance, muffed it! Ten points from Gryffindore for bickering while on a dangerous mission…

HERMIONE: Dangerous mission? Exactly what…?

SNAPE: Do not question my authority!

RON: (aside to Harry) I knew it wouldn’t last…

SNAPE: (Stopping suddenly) All right, no noise…

(They have reached a corridor they have never been in before and are staring at a large door. Snape pulls his wand, and motions to the others to stand back.)

SNAPE: Potter, do you happen to have your cloak with you?

HARRY: (trying to look innocent) Ah… cloak? What cloak?

HERMIONE: You can have my cloak… (Removes her cloak, revealing a pair of glow-in-the-dark, fluffy, featy pajamas, and offers it to Snape)

Snape: (eyeing her clothing) I think not, Ms. Granger, this is not what I had in mind, I was thinking more along the lines of an invisibility cloak. You seem to have rather the opposite effect in mind.

HARRY: Ah, invisibility cloak? There’s such a thing as an invisibility cloak?

RON: Riiight. Like we’d have an invisibility cloak… they’re rare.

SNAPE: A common misconception, Weasley. They are not rare, they are merely well done. (He looks around furtively) All right. You, Weasley, run down to the Slytherine common room. The password is “lala land.”

RON: Sir?

SNAPE: I am NOT responsible for the passoword! As was saying, run down to the Slytherin common room, and go to Draco’s dorm room. It’s the third on the left. Get the large black box on his nightstand. I suggest you borrow Potter’s apparently nonexistent cloak for this endeavor, or have some good hexes ready. Be back as soon as possible.

RON: (slightly dazed) Yes, sir!

Ron runs off in the general direction of the Slytherine common room, having taken the cloak from behind Harry’s back with little trouble.

HARRY: (Aside to Hermione) How did he know that we knew where it was?

SNAPE: Quiet you two! He could hear us… Hermione! You go to Professor Trelawney’s office, and get tell her that it’s time for Plan B.

HERMIONE: Plan B?

SNAPE: YES! Don’t you understand British English!? Plan B!

HERMIONE: Yes sir.

(Hermione rushes off in the other direction. Harry grimaces and looks sheepishly up at Snape)

HARRY: Do you… mind telling me what’s going on, Professor?

SNAPE: I do believe that Lucius Malfoy is responsible for drugging most of the students and staff with cruciatus candy crystals, which I believe Draco managed to dissolve into the morning pumpkin juice. This is why most students have lapsed into eubonics. Unfortunatly, they have a rather… violent chemical reaction with Wolfsbane potion, and Professor Lupin…

HARRY: What’s wrong with him? What’s happened to him?

SNAPE: Honestly, Harry, I should think that you would have figured it out by now. Professor Lupin, is inflicted with lycanthrope.

HARRY: English, please?

SNAPE: All right, Potter, I’ll say it in small words, so that you’ll be sure to understand… Remus. Lupin. Is. A. Werewolf.

HARRY: (after a pause) Oh.

SNAPE: Yes, and currently this particular Werewolf has had, as said, a mixture of cruciatus candy crystals and Wolfsbane, and is therefore… he has grown rather violent and thinks he is the Easter Bunny.

HARRY: The EASTER BUNNY!? But it’s Christmas!

SNAPE: (Sigh) I know, that is why he has grown rather violent. He claims that Dumbledore is really Santa Clause, and that Professor Flitwick is an elf, and that I… and that we want to steal his holiday…He has, as said, grown rather violent, and is pelting everything that moves with hard boiled eggs.

HARRY: What are we going to do?

SNAPE: Simple. As soon as Ron brings me that box, which I am sure contains a sober up formula for Mr. Malfoy, I shall simply immobilize him, and inject him.

HARRY: But… what about Trelawney? What’s plan B?

SNAPE: You’ll see, Potter. Ah, here comes Weasley.

RON: (out of breath) Here you are, sir!

Ron hands Snape a black box. Snape opens it, and reveals a syringe, filled with a disgusting looking black substance.

SNAPE: Stand back! Wadiwasi!

The door flies open with a bang, and we see Professor Lupin, standing in the doorway. He has grown amazingly long floppy ears, and a cottontail is protruding from the back of his robes.

LUPIN: It’s you! Rudolf the hook-nosed Reindear! FEEL THE WRATH OF THE EASTER BUNNY!

SNAPE: (quickly) STUPIFY!

Lupin stiffens and falls to the floor.

HARRY: REMUS!

SNAPE: Don’t be a prat, Potter, he’ll be all right. I didn’t kill him. Although, come to think of it… (considers murdering Lupin) Ah, never mind, it’s Christmas Eve…

Snape injects Lupin with the vial looking nasty stuff. Gradually Lupin’s ears shrink back to their normal state, and his cottontail disappears.

SNAPE: ENERVATE!

Lupin sits up groggily and tries to orient himself.

LUPIN: What happened?

HARRY: Are you all right?

LUPIN: (getting up) I… what… you… he… Easter…

Trelawney arrives carrying a tray with a steaming teapot and a cup.

TRELAWNEY: (setting the tray down and pouring Lupin a cup) Here you are, love, it will make you feel better.

HARRY: (nonplussed) That’s Plan B!? A cup of tea!?

HERMIONE: A cup of tea, for you and me…

RON: A cup of tea, from she to he…

SNAPE: 5 points from Gryffindor, Wealsey, for that grammatically incorrect abomination.

RON: (gulps) Sorry.

SNAPE: Are you back to your senses, Lupin?

LUPIN: (after having drunk some tea) I’m all right, now. I seem to remember… flying of the handle a bit. The wolf… or should I say the bunny… took control… I…

SNAPE: But instead of allowing me to help you, you bopped me on the head with your copy of “Hogwarts, A History,” and jumped out the window. Typical.

TRELAWNEY: Pardon me, but if I am not mistaken, the festivities in the Hall are about to begin. The unwrapping of the gifts, and all.

HERMIONE: But- but- it’s Christmas Eve…

TRELAWNEY: Ah… but I have spent my entire holyday preparing an Austrian Christmas for you all. We shall have a meal of breaded fish, and potatoes. While we are eating, the gifts shall mysteriously appear under the tree, and when they are all there, a bell shall ring, and we can all dive into the festivities and open them.

HERMIONE: But- we shouldn’t have presents until Christmas Day…

TRELAWNEY: Ah… but the Austrians do it this way, so that they can concentrate on all the real goodies tomorrow, such as the magnificent feast.

HERMIONE: Oh.

SNAPE: I believe the festivities are about to begin, and none of us should be late. Come along!

They follow Snape out the door, and into the great hall. Everybody is already there. They quickly find their seats.

DUBMLEDORE: Now that .. (looks at Hagrid’s empty seat) Most of us are finally here… Professor Trelawney and I have arranged for this Austrian Christmas celebration. Happy Holidays to you all!

Everybody digs in with a will, and soon just about everybody with the possible exception of Crabbe and Goyle has finished their meal. Out of nowhere, a little silver bell rings, and the presents have found their way under the tree. Everybody makes a beeline for the tree, and dives upon their various gifts.

DUMBLEDORE: Look, Minerva, Hagrid’s given me a whole case of homebrewed firewhiskey!

SNAPE: (dryly) Thank you for the copy of “Chearfullness for Dummies,” Headmaster.

DUMBLEDORE: Your welcome, Severus. Compliments of the season.

SNAPE: Why can’t anybody say “Happy Christmas” anymore!? Why the watered down, “Holyday” and “season” flimflam? It’s not as though us wizards have to be politically correct…

SPROUT: Oh, look Minerva! Hagrid’s sent me “Underwear in a Can!

MINERVA: What do you expect he thought you’d do with that? (unwraps her own gift) Ack! I’ve got a bottle of “Feel Ten Feet Tall in other Words High” pumpkin punch from him… I keep telling him that I’m afraid of heights, but he’ll never learn… Speaking of Hagrid, where is he?

DUMBLEDORE: (slapping his forehead) Oh dear! I forgot to inform him that the festivities are tonight instead of tomorrow! I can’t ALWAYS know everything, after all. Oh well… he’s missed the feast, but… somebody go get him. Snape?

SNAPE: (bitterly) Why do I always get the dirty work?

BLACKOUT