Round 3 Wheezes Submissions Options

[evlpez]

This round, the Mission is the same for both Canon Fodder and Wizarding Wheezes submissions. Good Luck and happy writing!

[zymurgy]

Introducing Big Chief Mugamook


Harry: Oh great. A half/giant and a lunatic on one side, a death omen ahead, and quite possibly an insane killer somewhere to the left or to the right. What do we do?

Ron: The usual. Act insanely brave and try to figure everything out.

Hermione: Right. Not to mention breaking rules and getting ourselves nearly killed and expelled.

Ron: Hey! Scabbers! NO!

(scabbers dives out of Ron’s pocket)

Scabbers: Squeek! The cat with all the nasty rumors! GAAA! I don’t want to know!

Cat: I could be a kneazle! I could really be Lilly Potter! Or maybe I'm really James! OR I could always really be one of Voldypoo's old suporters...

Scabbers: NOOOO!

(scabbers runs off. Crookshanks dives from behind Hagrids hut and runs after him. Ron chases the two out of sight)

Hermione: Great. We now have a half giant and a lunatic on one side, a very large menacing dog with wolfsbane in its mouth on the other, minus one red headed sidekick and two pets.

Harry: Plus one Indian.

Hermione: Indian?

Harry: Yes. There seems to be an Indian brave who looks rather like Hiawatha standing by the Whomping Willow…

Hermione: Please, Harry, be politically correct- you mean a Native American…

Harry: Who cares? The author, our dear Zymurgy, will just make him stereotypical anyway. He’s just a devise.

Indian: How!

Harry: See what I mean?

Hermione: ER… hi, Mr. Indian, I’m Hermione.

Indian: Harry Potter!? The Messy Haired One Who Looks Through Windows and Has Large Gash on Forehead!

Harry: Erm…Hi there, sir.

Indian: Me come long way to bring Snape ingredients. Snape need ‘um mossberries and wormwood.

Hermione: Snape needs mossberries and wormwood? Whatever for?

Indian: Wolfsbane potion.

Harry: What does he need Wolfsbane Potion for?

Indian: Wolfsbane tame um werewolf.

Hermione: Werewolves? OH NO! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES PROFESSOR-

Indian: Bushy Haired Large Toothed Witch must not give away um plot devise!

Hermione: Ooops, sorry.

Harry: What’s going on? Zymurgy? I’m confused here? What happened to the dog? What's Hermione talking about? Where did the Indian come from? I'm getting all confused and angsty again... er... LINE!?

Zymurgy: (from her observation bench) Calm down, Harry, the Dog will be by in just a second, and have his little scene.

Dog: BARK BARK! Mossberries! Siriusblacklovesmossberries!

(The dog dives on the Indian)

Indian: Get um of me you mangy death omen!

Dog: Whimper! Whimper! Nobodylovesmeanymore! Whimper! (leaves with tail between his legs)

Indian: Me syc a mine job. Me go back home to wigwam and feed papoose with half a moose.

(the Indian dissaperates)

Hermione: But- you can’t apperate OR dissaperate on Hogwarts grounds!

Professor Snape: (suddenly behind them) Sometimes rules can be bent for certain individuals or lazy fan fiction authors.

Zymurgy: Thanks, Professor.

Professor Snape: Oh, anytime, madam, anytime. I so enjoy assisting you in your evil plans. That is, when they do not involve screwts inexplicable appearing in my underwear drawer, or certain alterations regarding my hair color.

Harry: Screwts? In your –

Professor Snape: I suppose you both have a good reason to be out on the grounds at this time of night, especially when surrounded by a half giant, a loony, a menacing black dog not to mention scaring Big Chief Mugamook away. This is very suspicious, and you must admit that I shall be forced to punish you…

Professor Lupin: (arrives quickly) I agree, Professor Snape. However, nothing more than twenty or thirty points deduction is in order. After all, they are merely out after curfew.

Professor Snape: Of course, my dear Professor Lupin, but these particular students were personally warned not to go out onto the grounds, especially since some of them have… adverse reactions to the guards…

Professor Lupin: Please, Severus, it’s almost Christmas. And I won’t even be able to enjoy all twelve days… only the first three.

Professor Snape: You will have company, Lupin. Potter and his gang also stay here for Christmas as well, as does Trelawney. Though why, as they both have perfectly normal and non-abusive parents, I, of course, cannot say. Considering that you will be there to guide them in that time, I think it fair to give them extra DADA homework…

Professor Lupin: NO! Otherwise I’ll tell them about the time that James flipped you upside down and removed your-

Professor Snape: REMUS! That sordid story must forevre remain an enigma to my students... 50 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!

Harry: Oh no. We have opened a can of worms.

Hermoine: I knew it… I knew it… it was a bad idea…

Professor Lupin: But- why so many? After all...

Professor Snape: First, for scaring away Big Chief Mugamook, second for being out after curfew, and third for having a teacher that attempts blackmail!

Will Snape get away with taking so many points? Will the Dog finally get his mossberries? What on earth were Hagrid and Trelawney talking about anyway? Will Lupin tell the story of the time James flipped him upside down and removed his...?

[McGonagall's Cat]

My Fair Werewolf


This is long winded and all out of order, but it IS a parody after all... and you try to get Hagrid to sing when he's not tipsy!


Ext Diagon Alley – Day

Dumbledore and McGonagall walk along deep in discussion

Dumbledore
I assure you, if we merely invest some time, we can turn this moppet into a safe and productive member of society!

(music comes up – tune: The Rain In Spain - drops to background every time Dumbledore speaks, McGonagall sings all of her lines)

McGonagall
His Pain is plain,
he can be quite insane!

(chorus sings: Its plain his pain is clearly what’s to blame)

Dumbledore
No, no my dear. With a bit of trust his enigma will unravel.

McGonagall
(Music comes back up)
If he remains
then Hogwarts will not gain.

(chorus sings: Its plain his pain is clearly what to blame)

Dumbledore
(still speaking but beginning to fall into a tempo)
My dear, I bet I can turn even he,
into a respectable member of society!

McGonagall
(she sings again)
And in what vein
can you maintain
a werewolf?

(chorus: It’s vain to think that you can tame a werewolf.)

Dumbledore
My plan is true, the Shack will do.
Within the year I’ll prove to you!

McGonagall
I’ll take your bet,
I’ll not forget
the timeline.

(chorus sings: Its plain his pain will clearly be the bane!)


fade to:
Ext near Hagrid’s hut

The huge black dog glares menacingly at (actually Ron, who has
Scabbers in his pocket, but the kids believe it is all of) the Trio!

Suddenly hundreds of extras, all dressed in Black and White Victorian attire, ladies with huge “Picture” hats and long dresses, men in tophats and tails, begin to swarm out of the woods. The kids look dumbfounded. Down at the lake a horserace is forming.

The dog realizes he has forgotten his tie and tophat, though the tail’s fairly well attached, and slinks back into hiding due to the faux pah. [* How the heck do you spell that?? *] Our Trio seizes this opportunity to dash back to the castle, dodging steeplechasers most of the way.

Ron
What was that?!!

Harry & Hermione
(Shrugging)
The Ascot scene?


fade to:
INT Hagrid’s Hut
Hagrid is wearing a frilly pinafore apron and is smudged with flour. He has a huge iron Dutch Oven (big enough for either Hansel, or Gretel) sitting in the fireplace heating up as he rolls out pie dough (unfortunately its thick and uneven, but…), he places it in a pie pan that will fit inside the Dutch Oven, pokes some holes in the bottom with a fork, and allows it to bake for about 15 minutes (around 375 degrees Farenheit) then lets it cool down.

Then in a medium-sized cauldron he mixes:
5 peeled and sliced (thickly and unevenly, this is Hagrid after all) Granny Smith apples
1 ½ cups fresh mossberries
1 ½ cups sycamines (if he is running short on these he substitutes another sliced apple)
1 ¼ cups sugar
½ cup coarsely chopped walnuts
2 Tbs. cornstarch
2 tsp grated lemon zest (which is a lot like grated yellow-part-of-peel)
1 tsp. ground cinnamon.

He puts the well mixed berry and apple filling into the crust, cuts a bunch of Christmas trees with his pink umbrella cookie cutter wand from the remaining pie dough, and places them artistically on top of the filling (bottoms near pan edge, tops toward the center point, they all dove-tail into a pretty top crust). Since the inside of the Dutch Oven is around 350 degrees Fahrenheit, he confidently places his pie into it for at least 1 hour and 20 minutes, or until it goes all bubbly (at which point it can boil over onto the bottom of the Dutch Oven). When it’s done he lets it cool completely before doing anything with it.

He never puts any Cruciatus Candy Crystals on it, though someone else might brush it with an egg that has been beaten with 1 Tbs water, and sprinkle a bit of sugar over the top before putting it into the oven.



INT Gryffindor Common Room
The kids look glum. The cat is curled up near the fire purring. Crookshanks looks up but decides it would take too much effort to move onto Hermione’s lap.

Hermione
This is getting curiouser and curiouser… I have suspicions about… (she stops mid-sentence looking as though she almost spilled the beans).

Harry
What?! You have suspicions about what!! Do YOU know something about Sirius Black and my parents? Everyone but me seems to.

Hermione
No, No. It’s nothing like that.

Harry
Yeah Right! I’m outa here! (grumbling) Maybe Professor Lupin’ll change his mind and show me the defense against Dementors now…

Hermione
No! Wait! You can’t!

Harry
Oh can’t I?

He storms out the portrait hole. Ron and Hermione hurry after him.

Ron
(Catching up to Harry)
Hey, Mate. Wait up! Let’s go get some hot chocolate instead.

Somehow they all get separated, the boys end up back in the Common Room with their hot chocolate, but Hermione goes to Lupin’s hallway.


INT Hallway near Lupin’s classroom
Hermione ducks into hidden alcove as Dumbledore leaves Lupin’s room with a "Eurika! Moment" look on his face.

Dumbledore
By George, I think he’s got it!

She then hears Lupin singing.
(tune: Wouldn’t it be Loverly)

Lupin
All I want is a life somewhere
Far away from the ice cold stare
Of people everywhere…

Oh wouldn’t it be loverly!


Lots of chocolate for me to eat
A human form clear down to my feet.
No fur.
No canine teeth!

Oh wouldn’t it be loverly!


Hermione
(shudders, throwing hands to her ears)
EEE-Gads!! He sings like a wolf howling….


Fade to black (not Sirius).

[ronsmyman]

The Sands of Time

SCENE:

INT. Next to Hagrid’s hut.

The dog continues to move towards the trio, licking its lips with sad puppy dog eyes.

HERMIONE
I don’t think that this dog is mean. Look at those eyes! It’s just hungry. Maybe if we give it some food it will go away. Do either of you have food?

HARRY
No, do you?

HERMIONE
I’m trying to watch my figure.

RON
I have some wormwood, that I snuck from the potions dungeon, (under his breath) to feed to your cat.

HERMIONE
(not hearing the last part of the comment)
Wormwood has an awful bitter taste, if we were to feed it to the dog he’d probably bite our arms off! I thought all adolescent boys were supposed to carry food on them at all times. (sighing) I’ll summon something from the Great Hall. Accio food!

The Gryffindor house table comes flying straight through the beautiful stained glass window of the Great Hall, loaded with all of the food leftover from dinner. The table lands heavily on the ground, spraying the trio and the dog with its contents. The dog dances merrily lapping up all of the spilled milk, while the trio stand rigid, sopping with treacle pudding and shepherds pie.

RON
Well done Hermione, and I just had my monthly bath!

HERMIONE
(blushing) Sorry about that. We’re not supposed to learn that spell until next year but I’ve been practicing it anyway, I guess I got a little too carried away. (pointing her wand at the boys and then herself in turn) Scourgify!

RON
(Looking at his clean clothes and exposed skin)
That’s a handy spell, how does it go again. This could easily be the key to never showering again!

HERMIONE
Like you do anyway.

Ron looking offended bends over and picks up a chicken leg and throws it to the large black dog. The dog goes long, followed closely by Crookshanks of the opposing side, he skirts the sidelines, he’s going, going, GONE!!!! Score one for the trio. After the dog has disappeared they survey the mess that has been made.

HARRY
(Looking at Ron’s leg)
You didn’t happen to have Scabbers in your pocket by chance did you?

RON
Ya, why?

Harry gestures in the direction of Ron’s pocket which is soaked in red liquid. Ron looks down and jumps in shock and dismay, he quickly depantsifies himself.

HARRY
Maybe it wasn’t Scabbers.

RON
(gingerly cradling his pants)
Oh Scabbers, it must have been that flying chicken wing. I swear I’ll never eat hot wings again!

Ron collapses in tears and brings the garment up to his face to catch his tears. He suddenly stops in mid-sniffle.

RON
Wait a tick. This smells a lot like strawberry.

He reaches in his pocket and pulls out Scabbers, asleep and balding, but very much alive. Ron blushes and quickly puts his pants back on.

HARRY
How could Hagrid and Trelawney not hear the awful racket this table made when it fell?

RON
Let’s go back to the window and see what they’re doing now.

The trio stealthily tiptoe through the tulips and back to the crack in Hagrid’s hut and peek through. Trelawney is still standing at the door as if she’s about to leave, Hagrid is standing over the fire frozen in mid stir at his cauldron.

HERMIONE
What’s going on here?

RON
They’re Frozen.

HARRY
There are strange things afoot.

VOICE
You’re telling me.

They turn around to see a strange man dressed all in black, with a black mask.

RON
Zorro?

MAN
What? No, I am the Dread Pirate Roberts. Or if you like you may call me Wesley.

TRIO
Huh? What have you done?

WESLEY
I don’t know, I was just sitting there, about to save Buttercup, and all of the sudden I appeared here.

RON
(noticing something clutched in Wesley’s hand)
What’s that?

WESLEY
Here, inhale this but do not touch.

Ron, taking the small brightly colored tube into his hand, brings it up to his nose and inhales. His entire head seemingly bursts into flame. Strange colors swim in front of his eyes, and he begins to giggle hysterically, soon the hysterics turn into torture and he is flailing on the ground, writhing in pain.

HERMIONE
(Holding a tissue beneath his nose)
Blow!!!

Ron does as he is commanded and the pain stops. Hermione throws the tissue aside with disgust.

HARRY
What in the world did you do to him.

WESLEY
Blast you boy! You poured out the last of my Cruciatus Candy Crystals while you were irresponsibly flailing around!

HERMIONE
(Helping Ron off of the ground)
Concentrate! What in the world is going on? First Hagrid and Trelawney are frozen inside of the hut and now we have some strange man coming out of no where!

A Note suddenly drops out of the air in front of Wesley.

WESLEY
What is this? (picks up note and reads) Dear Mr. Roberts, Thank you for kindly agreeing to take me on a cruise during my break, it’ll be a nice change. Miracle Max was right about you. Make sure you have enough wolfsbane on board. I’ll be ill during the last part of the cruise, but I should be able to celebrate Christmas with you and your men. In response to your question, my favorite drink is hot chocolate. Sincerely, RL.

HARRY
What’s all that supposed to mean?

HERMIONE
Don’t you see? Mr. Roberts has come to take Professor Lupin on his ship for Christmas break. That’s so sweet.

WESLEY
So, is this Hogwarts then? What a wreck.

RON
What do you mean? It’s gorgeous.

HERMIONE
(elbowing Ron in the side)
He’s a muggle, he only sees Hogwarts as a dangerous ruin. Honestly, why won’t you read Hogwarts: A History?

WESLEY
Could you go and get this mysterious Lupin so that we can set sail?

HERMIONE
But, won’t he be on your ship for the full...(trailing off). Never mind. I’ll go get him.

Hermione walks back to the castle. As she enters inside she notices that students are standing frozen all over the place. The Great Hall looked like a grand scale wax museum. Hermione continued upstairs until she arrived at the DADA office and knocked on the door, in hopes that Lupin had somehow escaped the spell that seemed to be cast over the castle. There was no answer on the door. She opened it anyway, and screamed in horror!

HERMIONE
AAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!

Lupin was standing frozen in the middle of his room, he had been in the midst of packing when he had frozen. What had frightened Hermione was Lupin’s facial expression. He seemed to have elongated canine teeth dripping with saliva, exposed within his gaping mouth.

HERMIONE
I knew it!

She then ran from the room. She slowed down as she past the Great Hall and once again she wondered why everyone seemed to be frozen in time. She began to become nervous, and as she so often did when bothered by nerves, she fiddled with the chain around her neck. Something about it was all wrong. She pulled the chain out from under her shirt.

HERMIONE
OH NO!!!

(Camera zooms in as Hermione’s eyes fill with fear)

Attached to the bottom of the chain is half of an hour glass. The other half had broken off, and the sands of time had spilt.

HERMIONE
It was those blasted chicken wings!

With that she ran back to Wesley and the boys.

[pinkpanther]

Gangs of Hogwarts
(This is not a parody of the movie "Gangs of New York" because I have never seen it. It is about gangsters infiltrating the world of Hogwarts--the title just had a nice ring to it. Also, no gangsters were harmed in the making of this parody...I think.)

INT. The trio are frozen with fear, trapped by a huge black dog on one side and certain discovery on the othe other. The dog moves closer, breathing heavily, hungrily. He inches toward Hermione, menacingly, as the drool drips from his mouth. She cowers, trembling in fear. Suddenly, a huge dollop of slobber drips from the dog's razor-sharp fangs and splats on Hermione's shiny, black shoe.

HERM. (waving her finger)
Uh-uh, you did NOT!
(The dogs backs away, whimpering. He gives them one sad look and bounds away as the door to Hagrid's hut opens and Hagrid and Trelawney come outside. Trelawney sees them, gasps, and runs away.)

HAGRID
Hey! What're yeh three doin' ou' 'ere? An' wha' was that dog doin'?

RON
Shut yo mouth, fool, 'fore I bust a cap all up in here!

HARRY
Foshizzle. (He and Ron hit their fists together)

HAGRID
Wha'? Now you tell me wha' tha' dog was doin' 'ere or I'll...I'll...tell Professor Dumbledore yer out when ye should be in tha castle!

HERM.
Chill, yo. That was just my homey g-dawg. It's all good.

HAGRID
Oh well, yeh'd best get up to the castle...unless, o' course, yeh were wantin' ta talk ta me.

RON
Naw, peace-out, man. (He beats his chest twice and makes the peace sign. They head toward the school.)

HARRY
Could be Lupin knows what's cookin'...let's make a stop on his turf.
(they all nod and quicken their pace. They enter the castle and are almost to Lupin's office, when Crookshanks, dressed in a baby bonnet and frilly pink slippers, comes tearing around the corner closely followed by Parvati and Lavender.)

PARVATI
AW...baby kitty, come back! You look so sweet!

HERM (angrily)
Whatcha doin' to my cat, ho?

LAVENDER(GASPS)
We were just making him pretty!

HERM
Uh-uh, ho, it's on!

PARVATI
Bring it.

HERM
Your mama can bring it. (Lavender, Parvati, and Hermione begin yelling insults, slapping, scratching, and otherwise injuring one another)

HARRY
Chick fight, yo!

RON
Word.
(Suddenly, Snape enters the hallway, carrying a bunch of wolfsbane.)

SNAPE
SILENCE! 100 points from Gryffindor!

HERM (mumbling so Snape can't hear)
Bite me, fool.

SNAPE
Unfortunately, I don't have the time to pry the details of this little spat out of your worthless brains due to...well...the early occurence... (He regains his composure) I trust you can either reach a decent compromise or you will all be dining on wormwood for the rest of the year! (He hurries down the hall to Lupin's office)

RON (pulling a very bedraggled Scabbers from his pocket)
You can take Scabbers, he needs a little fixin' up.

LAVENDER
Really?

RON
If you give me a little sumpin' sumpin' (he puckers up).

LAVENDER
I'd rather sniff Cruciatus Candy Crystals! (She and Parvati leave. Ron shrugs and he, Harry, and Hermione go to the door to Lupin's office. They pause for a moment and, hearing nothing, they enter. The sight is gruesome. The window is broken, leaving shards of glass all over the room. Snape is lying on the floor, unconcious, but still alive. Lupin is nowhere in sight)

HERM
I knew it!